i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
