hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
