If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I understand Curling. That high.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize