thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
