dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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