i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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