This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
