Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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