i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
