I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
