I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
