I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
