I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
