I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You were trust falling into bushes
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
