Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
