she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
