She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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