After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
