Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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