I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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