he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
These tits shall not be calmed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
