I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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