bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
