My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
