Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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