I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
40s are totally the cure
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
