i may or may not be watching the land before time
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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