I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
