my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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