i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.