I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.