So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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