nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We're too hungover to prance.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
