Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
