Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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