Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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