There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
