Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
