Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
