I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
