i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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