He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks