weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
