So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
