Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
