TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
they need to just BURY HIM!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
