Plan B is the new Plan A
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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