Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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