and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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