nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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