my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
