I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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