beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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