He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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