I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
