Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
