then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
