My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
