I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
