Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You're a waste of cheezeits
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
