A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
