Nicole vs. Life
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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