haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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